Should I Consider a Divorce or Marriage Counseling?

marriage counseling or divorce

Ask Shanna Moakler what decision she made

You find someone you are interested in and you date for a while. Things seem great, so you get married. And then things change almost as fast as playing the scary maze game. You are not alone. Many people find that marriage changes over time.

There are many ways that people get to this point. Lack of communication tops the list. Without communicating clearly to each other about feelings and concerns, a marriage can become mechanical.

Talking about the things that are going on, such as financial concerns, expectations, having children, how the children will be raised, and a host of other topics will keep you and your partner connected. You start to think of what’s happening to this relationship. Will it be divorce or marriage counseling?

You will feel like you are working toward the same goal. The paths you take to get there can be different, but reaching the goal together is what is important.

Trust is also a factor to consider when marriage changes. Honesty is perhaps the most important aspect in a relationship. When the initial spark turns routine, when looks have faded, trust and compatibility are all that remains.

Lying to your spouse or not being forthcoming about factors in your life can destroy trust, changing the relationship over time. To be able to trust in one’s partner completely is the most freeing experience humans can know. Jeopardizing that can ruin a relationship faster than any other factor.

Some marital problems are not as dynamic as money or trust issues. Some marriages just fizzle. Boredom can lead to finding stimulation elsewhere. That could entail having most of your social life occur outside of the house with other people, in effect, living separate lives, or it could open the door for infidelity.

Listen to what this clown has to say:

Men and women see things differently. This is fact. If you are considering marriage counseling or even divorce, you have undoubtedly discovered that. The point of views taken by men and women during arguments, the way they communicate, body language, the notion of consequences – all of it is viewed differently. Learning each other’s language is an important step in bridging the gap.

Have you noticed the pattern of issues and how they intertwine? Without communication there can be no trust. Without trust neither person is able to express themselves freely.

If you and your spouse are considering divorce for whatever reason (boredom, just plain getting on each other’s nerves, issues are at a stalemate, you feel more like roommates than a married couple, money concerns, infidelity) perhaps marriage counseling can help. Therapy provides a forum where a neutral party (let’s face it, mom is always going to be on your side!) listens to both sides of the story and provides strategies to get through not only the current issue, but also future issues of the same sort. They mediate, allowing both parties the ability to speak without being interrupted and giving both the time to say what they need to say. They also provide coping mechanisms to help you communicate better as a couple. The therapist is a sounding board, there to catch the raw emotion and help you channel it into something helpful in your situation. Couple work allows for both perspectives to be brought to light in a safe environment.

The tools you get from marriage counseling should help you handle issues that come up outside of therapy. But remember, it is a process. One session will not cure all that ails the marriage. It probably won’t even stop you from thinking about separating. But within the confines of therapy, you will be able to investigate your options and weigh them in an informed manner, rather than making decisions in anger. The process will be uncomfortable, but frankly, if you have been thinking about divorce, you have already been uncomfortable for quite some time. If you remember that you are in therapy to understand the problems and make a healthy next step, which may or may not include saving the relationship, you will benefit from the experience.

If you are having concerns in your marriage and are interested in talking with someone, be sure to find someone that suits both of you. This is very important. Both of you must feel comfortable speaking freely in your sessions or else the exercise is pointless. Speak to the counselor candidates you find. Get a feel for their personalities and methods. Confirm their credentials (social worker, counselor, Licensed Professional Counselor, psychologist, psychiatrist) and remember to check your insurance to determine what is covered. Once you’ve gathered all of this information, weigh the pros and cons of each.

Whether or not to separate isn’t something to upon decide lightly. If you are ready to take the next step in working through your issues, counseling can help you make the next step in your relationship.

Posted in Communication
26 comments on “Should I Consider a Divorce or Marriage Counseling?
  1. Danagetty says:

    Do people really get divorced because their toothpaste is in the wrong spot? Don’t get me wrong, I know that many people divorce for reasons that could be easily be hashed out, especially if a third party is mediating, but I’m not sure I would appreciate being married to someone who would divorce me for something so minor as to where I’ve placed the toothpaste.

    That being said, I do believe that people don’t take marriage, and in fact any committed relationship in general, as seriously as they might have in past generations. It’s unfortunate because I don’t think that people realize that the dynamics of any serious committed relationship changes over time. The idea is that two people will grow with each other as opposed to grow apart.

    I think that if people invested the time in nurturing and uplifting each other, that many relationships could be salvaged. Either by listening to each other, trying to have compassion or empathy for each other, or seeking the advice of a licensed professional, many marriages could be saved with some investment in the relationship.

  2. mary says:

    Marriage counselling should always come before divorce unless it has got to the point were the marriage really has hit rock bottom. For some reason when things are bad the woman and the man seem to both think that they are right and when you have that situation things might not work out. I know couples that have tried marriage counselling and they still ended up going to the divorce court so it really all depends on how each one feels.

  3. Julian says:

    Some things just can’t be fixed. But how do you know unless you try? I think it is a pity these days that people are far to ready to throw in the towel and call it a day. Why not take on the help of an expert who may, as an outsider, be able to shed some light on the issues you are having.

    I have known a few couples who have gone through a divorce only then to get married again a year or so later to the same person.. would the divorce have happened in the first place had they taken advice? maybe… maybe not.

  4. Personally if I had to chose, I would definitely say that before you even go for marriage counseling, you should actually sit down and try talk things out. If that doesn’t work, you can call in two of your most trusted friends and try to talk further about your issues. Every one has issues in their relationships so there is nothing to be ashamed of. If all fails, then you can try marriage counseling, but before you even get to that, if you are religious, you can try prayers, then marriage counseling. I am sure if the both of you really want to save your marriage, then there is nothing that can get in the way.

  5. marijke says:

    I believe a major key to any relationship is respect, not only for the self and for the other, but also for the relationship itself. If both partners are not willing to work on making their relationship the best it can be, then that is a major issue which may not be able to be resolved through marriage counseling. Both need to want to work with a marriage counselor, just like both partners need to want to repair a broken marriage. It takes two actively involved individuals, caring, loving, supporting, giving, nurturing, allowing the other to be the best they can be, to make a marriage work for both partners.

  6. ShyBear says:

    Marriage counsler or divorce? I feel like it really depends on the couple and their situations.

    If the couple has never done therapy, they should most definitly give it a try. Talking to family or friends is going to confuse things even more. The problem is that the couple will assume the family will know the problems. Or the couple will not discuss all the problems. There for speaking with someone who knows nothing about the marriage, both partners will have to voice their side. Resulting in the first step of healing a broken marriage.

    Now on the other hand if you have already tried therapy or both parties is not willing to participate one hundred percent, then maybe counseling is not for you.

    In order for success in a marriage is communication. So if you have problems talk them out. Rather thats alone or in counseling thats on you. Just look at it like this, you loved eachother enough to tie the knot. Why not find just enough love to try that one last time. So that way you know, you never just gave up.

  7. Marcus says:

    I believe divorce is too big a step to consider immediately when dealing with marital strain. Counseling is a very effective way to sort things out and I believe it should always be the first option. If counseling proves ineffective, then perhaps divorce can now be on the table. Just remember to think of all the scenarios that might happen when pursuing this path. Divorce is painful, personally and financially and it doesn’t hurt to think deeply about your situation.

  8. kinshuk awasthi says:

    A very good and engaging post indeed! But a definitive answer in terms of Yes or No wouldn’t do justice to this rather intriguing question. Marriage is definitely the second most beautiful thing in the world, after ‘LOVE’. So if the most beautiful thing fizzles out of our lives, marriage is bound to feel the tremors. But yes, thinking about divorce is not the best way to find a solution. As afterall no one marries with an objective to get divorced. So every possible attempt should be made to save one’s marriage and Counselling happens to be one of the strongest and most effective medium to do so.

    Although some relationships go past the repairing mode but giving up without trying honestly to save this beautiful relationship is sheer injustice to the very essence of Marriage!

  9. Josie says:

    My deal breakers are cheating and abuse. Anything else deserves the effort to fix. If boredom is the issue, both people are to blame. If you’re bored and seek excitement outside of your marriage (sex or not) then blame falls on you. You are just as capable of putting the spark back in the marriage as your spouse and leaving your happiness up to other people is just lazy. If you can’t bring yourself to start the ball rolling, getting counselling is a great start. Especially if the two aren’t getting along or avoid taking any responsibility in things going downhill. I hope my husband and I never get to that point, but as you said, communication is a necessity and I married someone I can talk to about absolutely anything.. if I ever have issue with the marriage, I know we’ll get through it.

    • Danagetty says:

      Josie, these are actually deal breakers for me as well. I think that pretty much everything can be worked on, but when you lay your hands on someone, all bets are off. As for cheating, it’s such a disrespect that I don’t know if I could get over it.

      I’ve actually been in relationships where I’ve forgiven cheating and they just did it again. It was even more of a slap in the face after being magnanimous enough to forgive it. I don’t know if I could do that again because of my past.

  10. Josie says:

    My deal breakers are cheating and abuse. Anything else deserves the effort to fix. If boredom is the issue, both people are to blame. If you’re bored and seek excitement outside of your marriage (sex or not) then blame falls on you. You are just as capable of putting the spark back in the marriage as your spouse and leaving your happiness up to other people is just lazy. If you can’t bring yourself to start the ball rolling, getting counselling is a great start. Especially if the two aren’t getting along or avoid taking any responsibility in things going downhill. I hope my husband and I never get to that point, but as you said, communication is a necessity and I married someone I can talk to about absolutely anything.. if I ever have issue with the marriage, I know we’ll get through it.

  11. darelle4 says:

    Divorce is a serious thing and should not even be a step to take. Every marriage has their issues but it is a growing process which the couples has not accept and decide to be selfless and make things right. Marriage counseling is the best resort but when you have been to marriage counseling and there are no changes then it means that there is a serious problem somewhere. Prayer should be considered as the main thing or else things will get worst.

  12. DonnaIreilly says:

    Yes, I think if people are having problems with their marriage then getting professional help to get to the bottom of their issues is a great idea. Talking things over is a brilliant way to get to the route of your problems. I find Marriage counseling to be a great thing. If your relationship isn’t meant to be then you will know.

  13. DonnaIreilly says:

    Marriage counseling should always come before divorce. I think too many couples don’t talk about their feelings and end up getting divorced when they could of sorted out their problems. Divorce should be the last resort, if you really no longer love each other and your problems are just to difficult to sort out.

  14. Jolene Leslie says:

    I have been in great bondage for almost 2 years suffering in the hands of a cheating husband,we were happy and leaving well until he meant his old time time girl friend and he started dating her outside our marriage before you knew it he stopped caring and taking care of his own family it was to the extent that now he was planning to get married to her and divorce his own wife, i have cried and reported him to his family but he never listened to any one but to cut my story short i came in search for a real spell caster who could destroy their relationship and make him come back to his wife and 2 kids on my search i saw people making testimony on how their marriage where restored by Priest Ajigar i pick his email and i narrated my story to him and he agreed to help me and after performing a spell on the third day they both had a quarrel and he beat his girlfriend up and he came home begging for i and my little kids to forgive him that his eyes are clear now that he will never do any thing that will hurt his family again and promise to be a caring father and never cheat again.I am so so happy that i did not loose him to the girl all appreciation goes to Priest Ajigar for you are a Great spell caster and to whom this may concern if you have a cheating husband or wife yo can find his email by typing Priest Ajigar on google.com

    Jolene Leslie from from USA

  15. Anderson says:

    Terrific work! This is the kind of information that are meant to
    be shared across the internet. Disgrace on Google for no longer
    positioning this publish higher! Come on over and talk over with my site .
    Thanks =)

  16. Gay says:

    I all the time used to study post in news papers but now as I am a user
    of web so from now I am using net for articles or reviews, thanks to web.

  17. gracious martins says:

    my name is Gracious Martins, i want to share my testimony, of how Dr.kizzekpe the great spell caster helped me to bring back my Ex Husband in 3days after i have tender my problems to him he also helped to gain promotion in the firm i work..he is such a good spell caster that will check if his spell has work before demanding anything from you..Dr.kizzekpe is such a trustworthy man and i also recommend him to make those sad happy again..am using this medium to once again thank Dr.kizzekpe for making me happy again and i know many are out there who want their Ex back if you have tried and fail here is Dr.kizzekpe to make you smile again. Email him on

  18. What i don’t realize is if truth be told how you’re no longer actually a lot
    more smartly-favored than you might be right now.
    You are so intelligent. You understand therefore significantly in the case of this subject,
    produced me in my view imagine it from a lot of various angles.
    Its like women and men don’t seem to be interested unless
    it’s one thing to accomplish with Girl gaga! Your own stuffs nice.

    At all times maintain it up!

  19. I do not know if it’s just me or if everyone else experiencing problems with your
    website. It appears like some of the text on your content are running
    off the screen. Can somebody else please provide feedback and let me know if this is happening
    to them as well? This may be a problem with my internet browser because I’ve had this happen previously.
    Kudos

  20. right one says:

    +254724277941

  21. Kandice says:

    I see you share interesting things here,
    you can earn some additional cash, your website has big potential, for
    the monetizing method, just search in google – K2 advices how to monetize a website

  22. Pretty nice post. I just stumbled upon your weblog and wished to mention that I’ve truly enjoyed surfing around your weblog posts.
    In any case I’ll be subscribing to your rss feed and I’m hoping you write once more soon!

  23. s-wift.co says:

    After you fixed the problems with your website, submit Reconsideration Request
    to Google so your website will be re-evaluated.

    If you’re a photographer who still does not have effective on the internet presence and are definitely still insisting on charging
    a ridiculous speed for digital negatives out of fear that your particular customers may take them
    somewhere else to get them printed, just how long do you might think you’ll last.
    A backlink, known inside of the computer trade as inbound links, incoming links,
    inward links or in links looks whatever link which received after the site (blog, page or directory) to another site.

  24. Tanya Lawson says:

    I live in USA where Divorce case seems to be the order of the day,i was married to my husband Lawson for 18 years and we were living happily together with our 3 kids and all of a sudden their came this sad moment for the first time in my life i curt my husband having an affair with a lady outside our marriage before this time i have already started noticing strange behavior like he used to spend some time with us, comes home early after work but since he started having an affair with this lady all his love for his wife gone and he now treats me badly and will not always make me happy.I had to keep on moving with my life never knowing that our marriage was now leading to divorce which i can not take because i love Lawson my husband so much and i can’t afford to loose him to this strange Lady,i had to seek a friends advice on how i could resolve my marriage problem and make the divorce case not to take place and my husband live this Lady and come back to me again having heard my story my friend decided to help me at all cost she then referred me to A spell caster named Priest Ajigar, my friend also told me that Priest Ajigar have helped so many people that were going through divorce, and also finding possible ways to amend their broken relationship. To cut my story short i contacted Priest Ajigar and in just four days after the spell was done my husband left the other lady and withdrew the divorce case all till now my husband is with me and he now treats me well and we are living happily together again all appreciation goes to Priest Ajigar i never could have done this my self, so to whom it may concern if you are finding difficulty in your relationship or having problems in your marriage just contact Priest Ajigar he is Powerful and his spell works perfectly,i am somebody who never believed or heard about spell but i gave it a try with Priest Ajigar and today every thing is working well for me and if you need his help his email is (priestajigarspells@live.com)

  25. Piece of writing writing is also a excitement,
    if you be acquainted with then you can write if not it is
    complicated to write.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

*

You may use these HTML tags and attributes: <a href="" title=""> <abbr title=""> <acronym title=""> <b> <blockquote cite=""> <cite> <code> <del datetime=""> <em> <i> <q cite=""> <strike> <strong>